How to Drive Drunk

So you're drunk. So fuckin' what?
"How the fuck else ya gonna get the car home?", -Sam Kinison (killed by a DWI.)
Ya gotta drive, so you can go to sleep, so you can go to work, so you can pay your bills, like your car payment and car insurance and gas for your car and repairs to the car and you just start wondering why can't the car go to work since it's the one that has all these bills and I'll just stay here at the bar?
Anyway, the car never seems to buy that line of reasoning and ya gotta get the dang car back so you can use it.
For 'stuff'.
Who cares what??
'None of yer fuck'n' businezszzz'... (HIC!)

Follow this step-by-step procedure and you might not kill anyone or yourself.

1. Pull your shit together and keep it together. "Do not lose this mindset...motherfucker!" (said in the voice of Samuel L. Jackson).
2. Starting the car... Do NOT rev your engine. You drunkass.
3. Let the car warm up, even if it's July. This will give you time to check that...
a. Your lights are on. If you're driving drunk in the daylight, I can't help you. Talk to Bill W.
b. Your seatbelt is fastened. If you EVER needed it, NOW would be the time.
c. You have cleaned all the vomit off of your sweater, and turned off the dome light after checking said sweater for said vomit.
4. Pulling out, check all mirrors. Personal experience on that one. Now check them again. Does your date see anything? How about the hitch-hiking teenager with the fake ID in the back seat? If everybody says "All clear!", ease it out and gently but steadily toe the gas pedal to the stoplight.
5. From now on, focus on the vanishing point in your perspective. Don't let the moving lights, especially those of oncoming cars, distract you from the vanishing point. If you don't know what the vanishing point is, you didn't pass fifth grade art class and shouldn't be driving anyway. Really don't focus on the weed in the trunk.
6. Roll down the window, lean ever so slightly forward and turn on music you hate. Like anything around 103 point-seventies-crap on the FM dial. Those three annoyances, juxtaposed with your drunken striving to focus on the goddamn vanishing point, will essentially render you completely sober. Yes, even after all those mojitos.
Unhappily, the effect is only temporary. Try to drink close to your house. Or in it. But for christ's sake, do not try to smoke anything during your DWI journey.
7. Red means stop but especially red mixed with blue means stop. Don't be just another pinball under a police helicopter's spotlight.
You lose your presence of mind, you drive like shit, well damn it, you lost this one, they gotcha, now pull over and focus on rebuilding your life as you knew it. Unless you really WANT to go out as a few puffs of broken glass on a COPS video tape. Then by all means, floor it, please.
Love, Darwin.